Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
