The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
