woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
