I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
