I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
