Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
