she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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