Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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