I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
