that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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