New invention idea: vibrating tampons
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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