the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
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Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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