You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
As shirtless as possible
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
