I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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