Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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