??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
