just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
