even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
