Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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