There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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