Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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