My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
