I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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