the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
