I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
