sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
