Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize