I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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