I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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