my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
