worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
