Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
