every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
