I'm going to jail i love you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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