Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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