omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
