what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
