she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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