she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
