I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
