Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
