dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
