i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
