we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There r osticjed everywhere
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
