You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
