I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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