Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
