Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
