dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
