ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
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The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
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How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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