Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
