You're my little dorito
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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