He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
