I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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