i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I didn't notice because vodka
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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