shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
we should paint friendship bongs
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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