i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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