My girlfriend figured out who you are.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
