Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
