Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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